“Mr Clay: you don’t have a right to tell me how to do anything. Because you don’t know a single thing about me.”
Wow.
With these two sentences, a 13 year-old boy from Long Island dropped the mic. But not onto the dustin cabin floor. Rather, he dropped it directly on my head.
This – the most humbling moment of my 28-year ministry career – took place in the summer of 1999. I was being recruited to a Catholic Church in Lindenhurst, New York to be their new youth minister. The good people of the parish flew my wife Gail and me down to show us the city. They wined and dined us for a few days, and even took us to a New York Mets game. Then, Gail flew back home and I went on with some teens from the parish to a Young Life camp. It would serve as an opportunity for me to get to know some of the teens I’d be ministering to if I took the job.
After a long and tiring first day of camp, we gathered in a cabin for small group time. The group consisted of Joseph (the outgoing youth minister), me, and six male participants all between the ages of 13 and 15. The conversation started off well, and I quickly became comfortable with the group. Probably a little bit too comfortable.
We were talking about peer pressure and how to deal with it. I remember giving some passionate, unsolicited advice to one of the young men: “Have you thought about doing this? Maybe you could consider doing that. ” And so on.
That’s when he put me in my place.
Here I was, the hotshot youth worker from Vancouver, BC, Canada. The one who was going to come in and lead the parish youth ministry to new heights. Yes I was put firmly in my place by a 13 year-old I had met just hours prior.
All because we had no relationship.
The new Barna study called “Reviving Evangelism in the Next Generation” (produced in partnership with Alpha Canada), makes it very clear that Gen Z doesn’t care about polish and pizazz. When it comes to faith, evangelization, and role models, Gen Z is looking for authenticity. An authenticity that comes from healthy and safe relationships.
Most teens agree that conversations about faith perspectives are more effective when a significant relationship has already been established. When it comes to ministering to and with Gen Z, we have to “earn the right to be heard”. That means making the youth the experts. Hanging out with them on their turf. Letting them take the lead and teach us a thing or two. Taking an active and genuine interest in what they are passionate about and what is on their minds.
It’s so important that we are genuine in our intentions. Looking back to when I was getting started in youth ministry back in the mid 1990s, I can see very clearly now that I was likely trying too hard back then. I wanted to give every talk, be in every skit, lead every prayer, and demonstrate every activity. I also wanted to be the “cool” youth minister…which is pretty funny if you know what I’m like now. After a few years, I realized that there was always going to be a youth worker who was younger, cooler, and - dare I say – better than me. So I pivoted the way I was doing relational ministry.
I focused on becoming a better listener and become more attentive in my conversations. I worried less about giving advice and sending solutions, and more about seeking to understand before being understood.
Once the teens saw that I wasn’t trying so hard and that I was embracing my “uncoolness”, I became much more relatable to them. I really honed in on what would make certain teens tick, and what was motivating them to do and say what they were doing and saying.
Most importantly, I was showing them that I cared about them. And that I would listen to them without judgment, and I would journey with them at their pace. The goal was always the same and it never wavered: to lead young people to an encounter and relationship with Jesus Christ.
I adopted the mantra that “young people won’t care how much you know until they know how much you care”. This is exactly what the New York teen was trying to teach me, albeit not as eloquently. It didn’t matter that I was being recruited, and he didn’t care how long I’d been doing youth ministry. He had no interest in hearing what I had to say because I didn’t take an interest in him. So when I started “preaching” at him and giving him unsolicited advice, he understandably balked.
While that teaching moment took place 22 years ago, I’ve applied the lesson learned to all aspects of my life, both inside and outside of ministry. Admittedly, it’s not always easy to do. It can be challenging to navigate the tricky balance between offering advice and remaining quiet.
There is a lot of talk in the Catholic Church these days about intentional accompaniment. In Evangelii Gaudium (the Joy of the Gospel), Pope Francis says that “The Church will have to initiate everyone — priests, religious, laity — into this art of accompaniment.”
We can look to Jesus as a perfect model of intentional accompaniment, especially in the story of the two disciples on the Road to Emmaus in the Gospel of Luke. In fact, I’ve often said that Jesus is the best example of a relational youth minister in the way that he journeyed with the two disciples who were making the seven mile trek from Jerusalem to Emmaus shortly after the Resurrection.
We know the story: the two disciples were walking along and discussing all that had been happening recently with respect to Jesus’ death and resurrection. Jesus enters in and he approaches them. He walks beside them. He listens. He asks questions. He then shares his knowledge. And ultimately, he leads the two disciples to himself in the breaking of the bread.
Now notice that Jesus didn’t walk in and proclaim: “The Saviour is here!” Instead, he did the opposite: he let them do the talking, he walked alongside them, and he listened. He accompanied them and he took a genuine interest in them.
This is what we are called to do today. We are called to accompany young people and take a genuine interest in their lives in our efforts to help them become better disciples and better witnesses of God’s love and mercy.
The world right now is a complicated place. More than ever, youth need positive role models and mentors. They need people who will encourage them, inspire them, affirm them, and challenge them. They yearn for safe relationships; relationships that aren’t manufactured through the screens of their cell phones.
You and I can do a lot to forge these relationships. It starts with seeking to understand before being understood. It starts with earning the right to be heard. It starts with making the youth the experts. It starts with taking a genuine and active interest in their lives.
And it starts with loving them and caring for them.
Because they won’t care how much we know until they know how much we care.